I don’t know about you, but many people I talk to report struggling to stay calm during a conflict. As service provider (content creator) and the resident manager of small apartment complex, I’ve certainly experienced my share of stressful and potentially conflict-filled situations.
That’s why I paid close attention to an excellent Harvard Business Review article, “Calming Your Brain During Conflict,” by Diane Musho Hamilton, an internationally recognized mediator and negotiator.
Turns out that mindfulness is a great way to deal with what Daniel Goleman—cited in Ms. Hamilton’s article—refers to as “amygdala highjack. “ The amygdala, a brain structure behind each eye, detects feelings of fear and prepares us to fight or flee. The amygdala floods the body with hormones such as adrenalin and cortisol, and we respond immediately. We breathe more shallowly and take in more oxygen. Our heart speeds up. Our face may flush. We may feel shaky, and our voice may do odd things, because our throat is constricted.
Quite aside from these physical symptoms, though, is what happens to thinking. As Ms. Hamilton says, “The active amygdala also immediately shuts down the neural pathways to our prefrontal cortex, so we can become disoriented in a heated conversation.” The knack for complex decision-making retreats, as does the ability to appreciate different perspectives. And if that wasn’t enough, memory becomes unreliable.
What to do? Here are the four steps Ms. Hamilton suggests to calm an overloaded nervous system:
First, stay present. Notice that you’re provoked, and decided to “stay put and be present.” You may want to adopt a calming cue that reminds you to relax. (I like the sound of wind chimes.)
Second, “let go of the story.” That is, let go of the “thinking and judging mind,” which starts creating stories and thoughts about what’s happening. For example, one of the tenants in my complex is a problematic personality, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of telling myself an unflattering story about her when she’s being confrontational. Letting go of the inclination to jump right into a story is probably the most difficult of the four steps to master.
Third, allow yourself to feel and explore your body’s sensations. Don’t try to control or change them. Just let them happen and notice what feels tight, painful, shaky, etc.
Finally, breathe. Focus on rhythm and smoothness. Even if you do this for just a few minutes, adrenaline and cortisol production stop. Ms. Hamilton suggests that you try breathing in to a slow count of four and out to a slow count of six. Andrew Weil, whose video appears below, has a different technique.
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