What do you do when your manager is socially awkward?
Freelance journalist and lecturer at Wesleyan University, Rebecca Knight, has excellent, commonsense suggestions. In a Harvard Business Review article, she acknowledges the edge of discomfort that can exist in your relationship with an awkward boss and presents some opinions from the experts.
Interestingly, this problem is much more widespread than you might think. Perhaps that’s not so surprising. In many years of working in corporate settings and as a freelance content creator, I’ve seen people who were not socially skilled become managers. Why? Probably because they were fundamentally ok people whose skills made it possible to overlook bumbling human relations.
But I digress.
Here’s what you do when your manager is socially inept. (By the way, I recommend reading this article in its entirety because Ms. Knight presents two worthwhile case studies.)
First, reflect. That is, look past the demoralizing aspects of his behavior and accept him for who he is, “foibles and all.” Seeing your boss as a fellow human being can, in my opinion, build a helpful foundation from which to work. Of course, you’ll want to avoid cringing when odd stuff comes out of his mouth.
Next, be helpful. According to Monique Valcour, socially awkward bosses often rely on subordinates to facilitate their communications. You can do that, perhaps, by explaining that the boss may be hard to get to know or by offering tips for working effectively with her. Whatever you do, don’t indulge in gossip and eye-rolling—for obvious reasons.
It may help to get to know him. Ask about his interests or what he cares about. But be aware that your efforts may not be reciprocated. As the article points out, “You and your boss can still have a perfectly solid professional relationship” even if he never asks about your recent hike in Yosemite.
Offer feedback. In my opinion, this is potentially touchy, because your manager may misinterpret it. I also think you may want to practice your delivery with a friend until you’re sure that you can do it smoothly. Of course, you never launch a personal attack. Instead, make an observation about how something she did or said could be misinterpreted and how you know she would not want that to happen.
Keep a positive view, but don’t ignore egregious behavior. Everyone puts his foot in his mouth sometimes—even you. But if verbal missteps happen frequently and can’t be viewed as benign, you need to figure out what to do—whether it’s going up the ladder, talking to HR, or finding another job.
Interestingly enough, these tips can work for you even if you’re your own boss. I believe we are all capable of the level of honesty that allows us to admit when we’ve messed up a communication. And we’re probably all skilled enough at self-talk that we can help ourselves out by reviewing how we could have said or done something better. If we’re not sure of what to do, we can enlist the aid of a trusted colleague or friend to put the kind of perspective on a situation that helps us to stay calmer the next time and to get out of our own way.
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