It’s the beginning of a new year, and maybe you wonder why you should be thinking about how to handle difficult conversations. After all, you’re starting out fresh, and considering conflict may seem like the wrong way to get going.
On the other hand, learning techniques for handling conflict situations—whether with a co-worker, loved one, or difficult neighbor—may help your year go more smoothly.
Amy Gallo of the Harvard Business Review presents five good ways to prevent amygdala hijack from wrecking an interaction and keeping things moving forward in a positive way. (This wonderful term was coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman of emotional intelligence fame.) Like me, I’m sure you can think of many times when you wish you’d had access to techniques that helped you stay in control of your emotions.
Here are the magic five Ms. Gallo cites in her article, which is well worth the five minutes it will take you to read.
- Ms. Gallo notes that some experts suggest counting your breath. If you google up “mindful breathing,” you’ll find a ton of ideas about how to do that. I’m particularly fond of the Andrew Weill breathing pattern. (https://www.drweil.com/health-wellness/body-mind-spirit/stress-anxiety/breathing-three-exercises/)
- Pay attention to your body. Move if you can, because “standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain.” If that’s not going to work, find other, simple ways to stay grounded, such as anchoring your feet to the floor and noticing how that feels.
- Try a mantra. Find a phrase that helps you to stay calm and repeat it to yourself. I like “I am calm and competent.”
- Acknowledge and label your feelings. You need to distance yourself from your feelings. Ms. Gallo says, “When you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.”
- Take a break. “The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be.” Ms. Gallo counsels giving a “neutral” reason for taking a break so your counterpart doesn’t see that “you’re desperate to escape.” (I’m thinking that if you’ve tried the four other techniques listed here, you’re less likely to seem desperate.)
One really helpful observation Ms. Gallo makes is that your counterpart is probably upset too. In my opinion, if you can remind yourself of that and bring some emotional intelligence to bear, you are less likely to hand your power over and more likely to have a productive discussion.
Kay Paumier says
Good sound advice. All too often I have been hijacked by my amygdala. These techniques could help me keep the little “fella” under control.
Susan Monroe says
Yes, that little “fella” can cause a lot of trouble, so I’m glad to know these techniques and happy that you found them useful as well.