I recently came across a truly helpful article about emotional intelligence on Inc.com. The piece contained neuroscientist Nicole Gravagna’s response to the question “How do I increase my emotional intelligence?”
Most of us are at least somewhat familiar with the concept of emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EI or EQ. According to Ms. Gravagna, EQ is “the measure of your ability to use emotional awareness in everyday life.” Emotional intelligence is what helps you navigate difficult situations gracefully. It’s what keeps you from blurting out the first thing that comes to mind when you’re under stress or confronted with a difficult person. It is what makes the difference between success and failure in the long term.
Ms. Gravagna notes that emotional intelligence is within anyone’s reach. To strengthen your emotional intelligence, though, you must practice—much as you would roller skating or ballroom dancing. The good news is that imaging reveals that the part of the brain we use when we are emotionally aware—the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC)—becomes stronger with use.
Emotionally aware people have developed two skills. First, they notice. That is, they are able to notice their emotions in the moment and where their bodies feel the emotions. They also have a good grip on the emotions of those around them. (A great place to practice this latter skill would be in the many, many meetings you attend.)
Second, emotionally aware people feel. They acknowledge their feelings rather than attempting to stifle them or giving them free rein. In fact, says Ms. Gravagna, they can schedule time during their day or week to “privately feel emotions that they choose not to feel during the work day.” What a tremendous benefit it must be to be able to acknowledge how you’re feeling, take a step back, and choose to work with your emotions later. This is more than mere Scarlett O’Hara “I’ll think about it tomorrow” stuff. This is a critical building block of emotional mastery.
So how can you build your emotional awareness? Ms. Gravagna recommends spending time around people with high EQ and copying their behavior. (My go-to person in this regard is an executive assistant friend whose ability to control her emotions so that she functions at a very high level is inspiring.) You can also focus on the sensations in your body the next time you get upset. You will need to get specific about whether you feel sweaty, whether you feel pressure in your head or chest, etc. The more often you do this, the sooner you will tune in on your feelings, and that will increase your EQ.
The ability to be in the moment is a great gift. At the same time, I believe those who are successfully spontaneous know themselves well and understand that there is a time and place to exercise their emotions.
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