This topic should be close to everyone’s heart. After all, we live in a world where a lot of things—from spilling champagne in someone’s lap to building a bridge that collapses—go wrong. In a recent and excellent Harvard Business Review blog post, Heidi Grant Halvorson of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University Business School discusses how to apologize effectively.
There are good reasons for learning to apologize the right way. A good apology can do a lot. Among other desirable outcomes, it can soothe hurt feelings, engender forgiveness, and resolve the kind of conflict that can bring a team to a halt.
In Ms. Halvorson’s words, though, “…as almost anyone can tell you, most apologies don’t go so well.” Sometimes the potential forgiver isn’t interested in forgiving, but a lot of the time, it’s because you, the potential forgivee, aren’t apologizing correctly. (Trust me, I know.)
If your apology is all about you—your thoughts and feelings, for example—it will fall flatter than half a pancake. If it’s about the victim of your screw-up, it stands a better chance. “Specifically, concentrate on how the victim has been affected by your mistake, on how the person is feeling, and on what he or she needs from you in order to move forward.”
Now I come from a family where wresting an apology from someone is akin to a blood sport. Apologizing has often come hard, even when it’s completely warranted by the situation. So, I was particularly interested by Ms. Halvorson’s “it’s not about you” perspective and her suggestions for handling different apology scenarios:
- The stranger or acquaintance. Offer compensation. It can be tangible, like offering to pay for cleaning the suit you spilled champagne on. Or it can be emotional, such as acknowledging that you’ve been a fool and pledging to change your ways.
- The colleague or friend. See things from the injured party’s perspective and express empathy, which helps that person feel understood and valued.
- Your Team. Acknowledge (explicitly) that you violated rules and norms and know that you let everyone down.
Most of us really can do a better job of apologizing. Perhaps what matters most to me, and I bet to most everyone, is sincerity. Technique is important, but sociopaths are probably clever enough to get that down—likely better than the rest of us. And as one Ms. Halvorson’s readerscommented, “I feel if someone really feels sorry no matter what he says it will come across.”
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