Many, if not most of us, want to say “no,” at least occasionally. But most of us are raised to say “yes” by our well-intentioned parents. As a result, the idea of always complying with requests follows us through life and career. (I think this applies to women in particular, but over the years, I’ve spoken to quite a few men who’ve said things like, “Gee, I really wish I hadn’t said ‘yes’ to that, but I couldn’t figure out how to refuse without feeling bad or worrying about causing hard feelings.”)
Rich Bellis, an associate editor at Fast Company has written a little gem about the three types of “no” you should master in your career. (In your personal life, too, I think.) And there’s a nice little video to go with it if you’re not up for a less-than-five-minute read.
The first is the “hard no.” You know you don’t want to do something. You don’t want to attend a friend-of-a-friend’s kid’s piano recital. You don’t want to jump on a new project at work that will squeeze yet more out of you. Despite the unequivocal nature of this refusal, it doesn’t have to be harsh or unpleasant. It is a “don’t take it personally” turn-down. Essentially you’re saying that this is a great offer, request, or invitation for someone else. Just not you. Mr. Bellis points out you’re doing everyone a favor. “By making it apparent that you aren’t interested … the person asking for your participation is free to go elsewhere with their offer and find someone more likely to accept it.” I recently tried this, using my best company manners, and it worked beautifully.
Next, there’s the “soft no.” In this scenario, you might consider doing less than what’s requested, but you need to hear more. For example, how much time will being your women’s group’s social media genius really take? Mr. Bellis notes that this kind of circumstance is “probably the bigger culprit in our tendency to wind up agreeing to things we shouldn’t.” The cool thing about this “no” is that the person asking you to do something has to pitch you on the idea. And that means you get to ask pointed questions. Pleasantly, of course.
Finally, there’s “ask me later.” Mr. Bellis doesn’t say this, so he might disagree, but I think this “no” is perfect for those who want to come across as the good guy. In this situation, you can see if the offer has an expiry date or some other attribute you should know about. As he points out, what might be a bad fit right now could be great later on. “ … briefly explain what prevents you from accepting the opportunity right now but why it interests you all the same. Then suggest terms for revisiting it later, and see if that works for the other party.”
What I like about the whole idea of saying no, assuming that you’re not wearing your cranky pants, is that, if done right, it really makes you think about what will work best for everyone involved.
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