A while back, I wrote a post about how difficult it can be to nuance an email. Even for us professionals.
This post is along somewhat the same lines, and it draws on “Why Negative, Snarky Emails will Always Backfire,” a post from Jeff Haden, who is probably one of the wisest communicators going.
Periodically, the little guy with the pitchfork who sits on my left shoulder tries to tempt me into snapping off a fast—and snarky—response to an unpleasant communiqué. That’s the time we all need to put on our Mature Adult hat, take a deep breath, count to ten, walk around the block, whatever, and resist the temptation to respond immediately.
As Mr. Haden points out, your message can get lost amid the snarkiness. Your context can get lost without the mitigating factor of tone of voice or body language. You’ve opened the gate to escalate. And perhaps worst of all, your message lives forever. Our moms really meant well when they said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Wrong. As most of us are all too well aware, they can come back to bite us in the butt.
Mr. Haden makes three sensible suggestions:
- Write your message but don’t send it. Revisit it tomorrow. If it needs to be said, by then you will have figured out a better way.
- Discuss the issue in person rather than by email. “If what you have to say can in any way be construed as negative, say it in person. Don’t fire a one-way missile.”
- If you get an emotional email, pick up the phone or respond in person. You’ll have a much better idea of where the other person is coming from and have a much better shot at preserving your relationship.
To me, the key in all of this is “person.” The sender of the email is a person with all her flaws. You are a person with all your flaws. Stepping back, thinking, and being willing to wait honors the humanity in each one of us and will likely save us from uttering those words we will live long enough to regret.
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